Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1


Dear Summit Entertainment,

I’ve just now come from your latest film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, and I am met with a profound sense of confusion.  I feel that, given the hype, midnight box office numbers, spirited cast and acclaimed director, I should’ve witnessed greatness, but alas, I’m struck with dumbfounded incoherence.

To explain.

Breaking Dawn - Part 1, you see, makes not the slightest bit of sense, both in plot and marketing execution. What’s happened?!  First off, as the many promos on television informed me, Breaking Dawn - Part 1 was to be the “best Twilight yet.” This, as I’m sure you know, is nearly an impossible feat. Everyone knows that, depending on what drinking game you’re playing, the second film in the saga, New Moon, is by far the best. It is, after all, the longest, which is never a bad thing. Who doesn’t want more Twilight?!

By raising our hopes with such praise (which was curiously declared without citation!) you got my hopes up far too high.  And although Bella, Edward and company have grown (and my how they have grown), Breaking Dawn - Part 1 doesn’t deserve the esteemed title of best Twilight yet.

There are many reasons for this, the main one being the lagging plot. It just keeps going! Take Bella and Edward’s honeymoon. It’s half the movie! Never in the history of life has a virgin woman begged to be given the dick more than Bella does here. No virgin wants dead dick that bad, you should research your history more!

(And, yeah, how does that whole thing work exactly, anyway? How does sperm from a vampire impregnate a human?  If Edward is in fact dead, how is his sperm alive? Plot hole!)

Sorry. To continue. The honeymoon simply lasts too long. It’s takes up 45 minutes and it easily could’ve been done in 10. That way you could’ve only made one movie, no need to makes us wait for Part 2!

Also, can you clarify the motivations of the werewolf Jacob? For the first half of the movie, he tells the king wolf how much he wants to kill Edward. The king wolf orders him to leave Edward and his family alone. But when Bella and Edward return, the king wolf now wants them dead, and Jacob is supposed to protect them. Huh?! What happened? When did the sides change? Plot hole!

And where were those creepy vampires that dress in all black? I thought they were the badguys?! They only show up for five seconds in a dream. But they’re all over the trailer!

I could go on, but I’m probably boring you as much as your movie bored me. Payback! I suppose I just don’t understand the need for two films to tell a story that only takes one. Oh well.

I can’t believe I have to wait an entire year until Breaking Dawn - Part 2! Where will the saga take us?!  You know it’s funny: I’ve spent more than eight hours watching this saga unfold, and somehow I feel suspiciously less intelligent than before it all began!

With great disdain and virtually no admiration,
Alex Withrow

26 comments:

  1. "(And, yeah, how does that whole thing work exactly, anyway? How does sperm from a vampire impregnate a human? If Edward is in fact dead, how is his sperm alive? Plot hole!)"

    When I heard about the plot for that film, I was starting to question that. I don't think Stephanie Meyers really thought about that at all for her readers. She really is a terrible writer.

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  2. "And where were those creepy vampires that dress in all black? I thought they were the badguys?! They only show up for five seconds in a dream. But they’re all over the trailer!"

    I read that there is a scene during end credits with the Volturi :)

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  3. Loved your post.

    But acclaimed director, c'mon Alex & midnight numbers ... haha.

    You couldn't of expected anything good.

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  4. i must say, the one thing i do love about this movie is reviews like this, well done

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  5. Possibly the best quote from a review I've ever read. This should be all over the posters: 'No virgin wants dead dick that bad' Congratulations on a fine review.

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  6. @thevoid, it makes no sense! I'm happy to admit that I have never read a page from a Meyer book. Have you read any of them? If so, sorry.

    @Sati, how dare I leave during the credits. How. Dare. I.

    @Sam, thanks man. And believe me...I wasn't expecting shit! Putting an Oscar winner in charge I garbage like this is equivalent to putting lipstick on a pig. A dead pig.

    @Anonyoums, thanks, that truly means a lot.

    @Pete, thanks man!

    Thanks to everyone for commenting. You guys are awesome!

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  7. Funny review, I must say, but you are right!
    I am going to go see it next week with the idea that it is going to suck! But I'm still going because it is the 4th one, they finally have sex and, most importantly, my friend is begging me to go!
    Now, you might think this is crazy, but the books are much better then the movies, obviously! Do you know what ruins the movies? Not the direction, or music, or script, no, they are fine and similar to what Meyer described. THE FREAKING ACTORS! oh my god, I haven't seen anything like this before. Actually, wait, Clash of Titans was just as bad! Anyway, Kristen Stewart's gestures and mimics make me want to punch her all the time, the Cullen family is just plain bad, and Jacob is overacting; yes, Pattinson sometimes saves the movie.
    I am now wondering if I should really pay 10 pounds to go see it...

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  8. Fortunately, I haven't read any of the Twilight books and refuse to. Hearing Edward say "you're blood is like heroin" in the first film made me cringe enough to say no.

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  9. @Aziza, yes, I agree, the acting, among several other things, is excruciatingly bad. To say it's a step below soft core porn is to belittle the best that Cinemax has to offer

    @thevoid, wise, very very wise

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  10. I saw the first Twilight film, fell asleep during the second one and never bothered with the third. Won't bother with this one either. No thank you.

    Creative review man!

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  11. ha thanks. there really is no need to see these films, unless you're interested in lower the overall bar, thereby making nearly every other movie slightly better.

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  12. I laughed really hard when Edward said to a newly-discovered-pregnant Bella - "Carylyle will get that thing out."

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  13. haha, not gonna lie, the emergency c-section via vamp teeth was welcomingly un-PG13 friendly.

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  14. Oh for God's sake - I can't believe you went to see that.

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  15. I'm sorry I let you down, mom. It was a fleeting moment of weakness.

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  16. There are so many plot holes in the series it is incredible. My ten biggest are:

    1)If a vampire is just learning to be around humans without attacking them, why would you send someone like Jasper to a high school?

    2)Why does a vampire sparkle in sunlight but not regular light. What happens if they are in school and the weather clears up before they get home?...do they stick around the school until it gets dark?

    3)When his clothing is ripped off when he phases to a wolf, where does Jacob get his clothes after he changes back to a human (for example when he saves Bella from drowning and after the fight with the Vampires in Eclipse)?

    4)How did the werewolves kill Laurent without pulling him apart and setting him on fire, since that is the only way vampires are supposed to be killed?

    5)If Renesme is already a vampire (and killing Bella in her womb) shouldn't Renesme's venom transform Bella into a vampire early on in the pregnancy since mothers exchange fluids with their children?

    6)Bella cuts herself to distract Victoria in Eclipse, after Edward kills Victoria, they return to the other Vampires as the Volturi arrive...yet no one reacts to the bleeding Bella including the "newborn" that the Volturi eventually kill? ...even if the cut was bandaged, the blood would have soaked through it.

    7)The werewolves "treaty" with the Cullens was made by their ancestors which suggests that it is bound to future generations, since Bella's baby is a Cullen in Breaking Dawn, shouldn't she be protected by the same treaty?

    8)When Sam tries to calm down one of the werewolves after Bella slaps him, he does not listen and still attacks Bella, yet throughout the movies it is suggested that the wolves cannot disobey Sam.

    9)When Alice and Bella are in Italy to save Edward, Alice states that Bella needs to stop Edward from killing himself "so to speak" because if she tries Edward would read her thoughts and "rush" into it, this is despite the fact that Alice would reach Edward faster since she has super speed and if he did read her mind he would KNOW Bella was alive thus eliminating the need to kill himself.

    10)When Edward thinks Bella is dead he decides to kill himself becasue he can't live without her, this is after he has left her in Forks to move to a secluded place essentially choosing to live his life without her.

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    1. Uh yea this is why the movies really suck - everyone of your questions is awnsered in the books - they made these movies for one purpose to make a sh$t load of money and didnt give a crap what nonsense they threw together on screen. The author really sold out her story when she supposedly collaborated with the directors.

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  17. @Forthas, damn you've done your homework. a thorough bash indeed. well done.

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  18. For the most part i liked it. At the end when Bella is turned and opens her eyes.. she magically has make up on.. Maybe that's her Vampire power, lmfao..And Stephenie explains how Edward can produce "Edward can produce sperm because he is a guy. Men can produce sperm from puberty to death. When one is transformed into a vampire they are frozen in that state forever. The same goes for female vampires and explains why they can't have children. The female body changes every month because of the menstrual cycle and after a while women experience menopause and stop having periods. Which means they can't have children after that. Since Men's bodies don't change in that sense a male vampire can produce viable sperm." And if you're wondering about the blood flow to even cause an erection.. vampire venom is a replacement for all bodily fluids. I'm not a hardcore fan, but things do make more sense when you research a little. :)

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    1. And fair enough. I just guess I have to be motivated to actually do the research, you know?

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  19. @Forthas Some of what you said doesn't make sense at all. I think you're picking too hard. And Those "mistakes" are nothing compared to what you'll pick up on if you watch Harry Potter. If you don't like the movies or books why read or watch to the extent that you know every detail.

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    1. Yeah, Forthas definitely went to excruciating detail to craft that bash. Crazy dedication.

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  20. In the book, it is explained that the newborn vampire had trouble with Bella bleeding. She wanted to eat Bella. She couldn't take it. As far as the other plot holes, I never understood the others. How does Edward take it when Bella bleeds every month? And why did he push her into a glass table?

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    1. Seems the common theme here is that the movie left out A LOT of what is in the book. Which just seems so silly to me.

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  21. I hate what Twilight Activity did, and how it did it, but I like what it caused. I hate that today there are so many shitty adaptations after successful books (Alice in Wonderland, Hunger Games, Divergent, The Help, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lovely Bones, City of Bones, Water for Elephants), but there are also some good films - The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Fault in Our Stars, Gone Girl, Life of Pi, Coraline, Ender's Game (I dig it), The Silver Linings Playbook - that see how bad are The Twilight films and don't want to repeat the same mistakes. And also there are many today vampire films a little superior to their pre-Twilight era that are just want to be just about the substance - Let the Right One In, Thirst, Only Lovers Left Alive - or just very entertaining vampire film - Daybreakers, Underworld, 30 Days of Night, Fright Night. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 had at least an awesome battle scene at the end but was followed by one big slap.

    What are your favorite vampire films?
    I love Interview with a Vampire, Tom Cruise is at his finest in that film. And also I liked Willem Dafoe in Shadow of the Vampire. The Monster Squad was one of my childhood favorite films. I want to check out Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens and Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht.

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    1. Herzog's Nosferatu is probably my favorite. But I love the original, an Shadow of the Vampire. I LOVED Monster Squad as a kid. Fucking loved that movie. Others I like: Thirst, Blade, Let the Right One In, The Hunger, Only Lovers Left Alive, Near Dark.

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