Dear Summit Entertainment,
I’ve just now come from your latest film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, and I am met with a profound sense of confusion. I feel that, given the hype, midnight box office numbers, spirited cast and acclaimed director, I should’ve witnessed greatness, but alas, I’m struck with dumbfounded incoherence.
Breaking Dawn - Part 1, you see, makes not the slightest bit of sense, both in plot and marketing execution. What’s happened?! First off, as the many promos on television informed me, Breaking Dawn - Part 1 was to be the “best Twilight yet.” This, as I’m sure you know, is nearly an impossible feat. Everyone knows that, depending on what drinking game you’re playing, the second film in the saga, New Moon, is by far the best. It is, after all, the longest, which is never a bad thing. Who doesn’t want more Twilight?!
By raising our hopes with such praise (which was curiously declared without citation!) you got my hopes up far too high. And although Bella, Edward and company have grown (and my how they have grown), Breaking Dawn - Part 1 doesn’t deserve the esteemed title of best Twilight yet.
There are many reasons for this, the main one being the lagging plot. It just keeps going! Take Bella and Edward’s honeymoon. It’s half the movie! Never in the history of life has a virgin woman begged to be given the dick more than Bella does here. No virgin wants dead dick that bad, you should research your history more!
(And, yeah, how does that whole thing work exactly, anyway? How does sperm from a vampire impregnate a human? If Edward is in fact dead, how is his sperm alive? Plot hole!)
Sorry. To continue. The honeymoon simply lasts too long. It’s takes up 45 minutes and it easily could’ve been done in 10. That way you could’ve only made one movie, no need to makes us wait for Part 2!
Also, can you clarify the motivations of the werewolf Jacob? For the first half of the movie, he tells the king wolf how much he wants to kill Edward. The king wolf orders him to leave Edward and his family alone. But when Bella and Edward return, the king wolf now wants them dead, and Jacob is supposed to protect them. Huh?! What happened? When did the sides change? Plot hole!
And where were those creepy vampires that dress in all black? I thought they were the badguys?! They only show up for five seconds in a dream. But they’re all over the trailer!
I could go on, but I’m probably boring you as much as your movie bored me. Payback! I suppose I just don’t understand the need for two films to tell a story that only takes one. Oh well.
I can’t believe I have to wait an entire year until Breaking Dawn - Part 2! Where will the saga take us?! You know it’s funny: I’ve spent more than eight hours watching this saga unfold, and somehow I feel suspiciously less intelligent than before it all began!
With great disdain and virtually no admiration,