Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Top 10 Non-Traditional Christmas Films


There’s certainly nothing wrong with sitting the family down and watching Home Alone over the holiday season. But with my gang, we’re a tad more inclined to take in Die Hard than It’s a Wonderful Life. So I got to thinking, what are my favorite non-traditional Christmas flicks? Below are some choice excerpts from some of the best movies that handle the yuletide joy in a slightly different manner. Happy holidays everyone!

10. Gremlins
“I was nine years old. Me and mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

9. Trading Places
“I’ll bet you thought I’d forgotten your Christmas bonus.”
“Five dollars. Maybe I’ll go to the movies… by myself. Thank you, Mr. Mortimer. Asshole.”

8. Edward Scissorhands
“I know it is a little early for Christmas, Edward, but I have a present for you.”

7. The Ref
“You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.”

6. Lethal Weapon
“The bulk of the heroin will be here Friday night, we'll make delivery at that time. Have the money ready, and no tricks. If you try anything... you'll have to talk to Mr. Joshua. Merry Christmas.”

5. Fanny and Alexander
“I don't know why I feel so comically solemn this evening. I can't explain how I feel, so I'd best be brief. My wife and I, and the rest of the Ekdahl family, my brother Carl, we wish you all a happy and joyous Christmas. I Hope we meet again on St. Stephen's Day, strengthened in body and soul. Merry Christmas.”

4. Eyes Wide Shut
“I do love you and you know there is something very important we need to do as soon as possible.”

3. Die Hard
“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.”

2. Go
“It’s called ‘Mary X-mas.’ ‘Mary’ like a chick. Like her name is Mary. Not like you marry her, you fucking moron. I don’t know, it’s some warehouse shit. Will this be cool?"

1. Bad Santa
“It’s my job, no big deal. I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.”

22 comments:

  1. I saw Gremlins yesterday. My kids aren't watching it till they're at least 12. And I think that's how old I was when I tried watching Bad Santa and it started to kill Christmas for me. Have to watch that. And Fanny and Alexander.

    Good list :)

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    1. Thanks!

      Isn't Gremlins nuts!? Poor Gizmo... they need to leave that beast alone. Bad Santa is the perfect non-traditional Xmas movie. It IS non-Xmas. Fanny and Alexander isn't a Christmas movie throughout, but has a fantastic Christmas set piece early on. Breathtaking.

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  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq1POyzBNF0

    merry christmas dude. my christmas movies were Heat and Collateral, haha.

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    1. Thanks man.

      Bitchin' track. Is Heat at Xmas? I totally forgot that.

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    2. Nah it's not. Don't worry, your cinematic expertise hasn't failed you, I just watched the hell out of that film. Michael Mann is awesome.

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    3. Ahhhh gotcha. Yes sir. Yes he is. Perfect indeed.

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  3. We watched The Descendants on Christmas. It has nothing to do with Christmas, but my husband had bought it months ago and we had yet to take off the wrapper. And it was his first night off work in living memory.

    Nice picks! #4 cracks me up -- I'd forgotten they were Christmas shopping for their kids during that closing scene. I also like #8 and really want to see #5.

    My husband and I watched Die Hard, with a couple of family members, on Christmas eve, at my suggestion. Action movies aren't exactly my cup of tea, but it seemed like a good pick and it's part of his cherished Cinematic Testosterone collection. He watches Love Actually with me every year, so it's only fair. And as run-of-the-mill action flicks go, this one is pretty good. ;-)

    "Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister."

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    1. Yessss, I love Die Hard. Such a timeless, action romp classic right there. Love Actually for a little John McClane... fair enough.

      How'd the family take The Descendants? Too heavy for the holidays?

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    2. We all liked it a lot, even my sister-in-law who always avoids films that are "downers." She liked the fact that the protagonist and his daughters were moving forward, as a family, at the end. I actually liked the movie more than I expected to. I was afraid it would be a conventional Hollywood family drama. Which I guess it was ... kind of ... but I thought it was very well done. Great performances, strong dialogue, and some very raw, real scenes.

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    3. Nice, love hearing that. When I saw it last Thanksgiving, I liked it, but wasn't in love with it. Caught it on TV about a month ago and was like, "Oh, wow, that's actually a damn fine film." Clooney's just got it.

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  4. Hah, good stuff man. I like that you label Die Hard a non-traditional Christmas movie. There have been some really intense debates lately about whether that is a Christmas movie, but I think calling it "non-traditional" is a good way to satisfy both parties.

    Totally forgot Eyes Wide Shut is set during Christmas. I really need to revisit that one.

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    1. Thanks dude! Yeah I mean, when I think of a Christmas movie, I think of It's a Wonderful Life, Home Alone, etc. Die Hard is an action flick set at Xmas, but it isn't really a Christmas movie, at least in my opinion. Either way, there's no arguing that it's non-traditional!

      The Christmas setting of Eyes Wide Shut makes that film all the more brilliant. Love it.

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  5. My family is always surprised to see other fans of The Ref out there. Such a funny, adult movie for Christmas! Denis Leary has some great line delivery in there, as does Judi Davis and Kevin Spacey.

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    1. Oh God, I love that damn movie. I love when Leary makes them both see the argument from the other perspective, usually while pointing a gun in their face. Hilarious!

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  6. Oh, this list is perfect. Definitely inspiring.

    Actually, I think the servant in Trading Places actually mumbled "Cheap-ass motherfucker".

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    1. Thanks man! Oh really? Shit, I need to fully rewatch that one soon. Hilarious shit.

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  7. For some reason I could never finish Bad Santa. The chemistry between me and this film is really off, because I tried at least 3 times.

    Great to see Edward Scissorhands here, Burton really does include Christmas a lot in his films. Come to think of it, I think Batman Returns is set at that time too.

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    1. I was really close to including Batman Returns on this list! Great non-traditional Xmas flick right there. Oh christ, Bad Santa, I just love that damn movie. So crude.

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  8. Nice list man. #4 is priceless, but there's no way I could get my family to watch that on Christmas. I'd be game though. :)

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  9. I LOVE your choice of Eyes Wide Shut. On another alternative Christmas film list it didn't make it, and so when i saw your post i was prepared to be disappointed but then i saw it and was like OMFG YES

    Yeah, i'm a tab bit obsessed with that film

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    1. Nice! Dude, I love that movie as well. The fact that that massive orgy is going on at Christmas time just makes the whole thing that much more macabre. Love it.

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