Friday, July 1, 2011

7 “American” Movies That Are In No Way Patriotic

What’s the fun in listing the most gung ho, ride-into-the-danger-zone, overly patriotic films of all time?  Instead, here are seven movies from the heartland that, despite their eponymous titles, in no way pretend to care about where they’re from.

American Graffiti (1973)
Cruise the strip, rock to tunes, eat greasy food, cruise the strip, race your car, cruise the strip, pick up some chicks, cruise the strip, debate college, rock to tunes, cruise the strip, race your car.  Repeat, relax.  Cruisin’.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Tired of the boring mountain hikes America has to offer?  No problem! Travel to rural England with a buddy and take in all the sights.  Just, you know, don’t go out on the night of a full moon.  Because then you’ll get mauled alive by a werewolf, your buddy will die, his ghost will come back to haunt you, and you’ll only have precious days before you yourself turn into a werewolf.  Better thought, just head to the Rockies.

American History X (1998)
Street shootings, Mein Kampf, kinky sex, baseball bats, roast beef to the face, swastikas, dead firemen, basketball, Nazi propaganda, a fat guy, blood, guns, Lincoln, weights, analyze and interpret, prison rape, curb stomp; there’s something here for everyone.  Go America!

American Beauty (1999)
As a middle aged man in America, you can tell your wife to fuck herself, ignore your daughter, blackmail your boss, quit your job, smoke weed all day, flip burgers, lift weights, listen to Pink Floyd, buy the car of your dreams, and try to bang a 17-year-old.  Not half bad.

American Pie (1999)
There’s nothing more American than wetdream virgins trying to get laid on prom night.  Too much work?  No worries, jerk it into a sock, or set up a webcam in your room to spy on some naked chick (don’t worry, legal action won’t even be considered).  Still got the blues?  No problem, just jam your junk right into a warm apple pie.  Problem solved.

American Psycho (2000)
What could possibly be American about a Wall Street yuppie scum who likes kill, screw, snort, drink, ridicule, and dress with impeccable style, expressing little to no apathy?  Actually, come to think of it, this may be the most patriotic film of all time. 

American Gangster (2007)
Tired of sitting on the sidelines?  Ready to step up your game?  Easy.  Kill your competitors, travel to Vietnam, convince natives to sell you primo-grade heroin, throw the stuff in the coffins of dead American soldiers (you know, to dissuade those pesky customs officials), pay off the cops, cut the H at high quality, sell it for cheap, kill more competition, get caught, rat everyone out.  “This is America.” Damn right.

Happy Fourth of July!

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