Movies like Piranha 3DD are a perfect reminder as to why I love movies. The old maxim states that we’re only fully able to appreciate sunny days because of the rainy ones. It’s the whole joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain argument. Well, that’s exactly what Piranha 3DD is: pain. It’s a disastrous, God-awful abomination of a film that in no way deserves to be classified as anything other than that. In fact, calling it a “film” is to degrade any other form of art that is fit to be classified as such. Piranha 3DD isn’t a film, it’s 83 minutes of walking, talking, cold, dark, runny baby shit. But it also makes me appreciate virtually every other film I’ve ever seen. So, you know… thanks?
Piranha 3DD is the sequel to the genuinely entertaining Piranha 3D from two summers ago. Yes, I enjoyed Piranha 3D, particularly that it knew exactly what kind of film it was. It never pretended to be more than Girls Gone Wild (with Killer Fish). It was absurd and loud and fun, and I dug it. I saw it once and once was enough.
And that is precisely where Piranha 3DD goes wrong. From frame one, it isn’t going for the “so bad it’s good” vibe of its predecessor, instead, it begs to be taken seriously. It takes fun completely out of the equation and longs to be considered a serious science fiction film, which is fucking nonsense.
You know, thinking back, I could have this wrong. Maybe director John Gulager and his five writers actually do consider their film to be a romp sendup, and honestly, if that is the case, then Piranha 3DD fails even harder. So, basically, any way you look at it, this is a movie that will amount to nothing more than wasted time and a ceaselessly shaken head.
Because of its inventive marketing campaign (the film was mass released on video on demand and online before it hit theaters, and in 3D, no less) Piranha 3DD is readily available for those hopeless enough to be interested. I’m not even going to go into the shit that happens in the movie, because I risk making the film sound crude in that “hip” sort of way.
No, there’s nothing fun or hip about it. It isn’t so bad it’s good, hell, it isn’t even so bad it’s bad. It’s simply a boring, atrocious waste of time, money, and self worth. F