Your Highness

Your Highness, despite starring a more than capable cast with a genius director calling the shots, is an utter disaster, arguably the worst movie I’ve seen so far this year. Which means I’m admitting that a movie starring Justin Bieber is better than one starring Natalie Portman.

In Your Highness, a straight laced would-be king Fabious (James Franco) recruits his stoned out younger brother Thadeous (Danny McBride) to rescue Fabious’ bride to be (Zooey Deschanel), who is being held captive by a horny sorcerer (Justin Theroux). Along their journey, the brothers run into the bow and arrow yielding Isabel (Natalie Portman) who helps them achieve their quest.

You get it. There’s nothing new going on here. Maybe McBride, who co-wrote the idiotic script, and director David Gordon Green were attempting a new riff at the Monty Python formula. Yeah, maybe. Problem is, the Monty Python flicks are, you know, funny.

I could sit here and rattle on for paragraph after paragraph about how successfully this film fails on all levels, but, to be perfectly honest, that would be a waste of our time. Instead, let me focus on the film’s most heartbreaking aspect.

In 2000, a quiet, sensational film called George Washington (which has nothing to do with the President, but everything to do with human emotion) hit the indie scene like a firestorm. Its director, an awkwardly shaped, introverted 25 year old, was hailed as his generation’s Terrence Mallick. Then something odd happened: in 2003, he did it again, this time with All the Real Girls. The something even stranger happened: in 2004, he did it again, this time with Undertow. Then, just when us loyal followers were sure he had peaked, David Gordon Green released Snow Angels, one of the very best films of 2007 (which, by the way, was a sensational year for American cinema).

But I’d venture a guess that most of you haven’t heard of any of those films. Which is why, I assume, Green made Pineapple Express a few years ago. He saw a way to give the stoner comedy a fresh spin, and (finally) make some serious cash. The effort paid off. Pineapple Express, while nowhere near as good as his previous films, grossed nearly triple its budget.

I get that, there’s nothing wrong with deviating from your indie street cred to sell out temporarily. But what the hell was Green thinking with Your Highness? I hope pray plead that Your Highness is Green’s career slum, and loyal fans should afford him that. I mean, hell, even Scorsese made New York New York.

IMDB says Green’s next film is a comedy about a suspended college student who is “fully unprepared” for a “wild night” of babysitting. The film stars Sam Rockwell (good start), Jonah Hill (sigh) and… Method Man? David Gordon Green... come back…please. D-

Hanna

What a badass little flick this is.  In Hanna, Saoirse Ronan (a real spitfire of an actress, who’s got “star” written all over her) kicks some serious ass as a ferocious girl trained by her father (Eric Bana, reliable as ever) to kill the cold hearted, career-driven woman who ruined their family (a steely cool Cate Blanchett).  The plot is nothing new, the execution, however, is exhilarating.

The film starts in the barren, chilled wilderness of nowhere; just Hanna and Papa, going through the motions, creating a killing machine one pushup at a time.  We notice a few things right away: the caffeinated (yet controlled) editing, the stylized cinematography, the lurking music, which all appeal in the best possible way.  Hanna soon makes her way to civilization, and we’re off and running.

In one hyperkinetic sequence, as Hanna escapes from would be captures in some sort of deserted CIA-ish lair, the film seriously takes off.  The Chemical Brothers’ original score pulsates through the speakers as Alwin Kuchler’s camera spins and twirls through a complex tunnel system, all cut seamlessly with Paul Tothill’s feel for manic montage.  Watching that scene, only one word came to mind: badass.

That feeling was repeated later, in a bravado sequence in which Bana is followed through a city, only to be surrounded by a group of men on a subway platform.  Needless to say, Bana takes them all out with his impressive set of ass kicking skills.  Better still is the fact that the sequence is completed in one long continuous shot. That’s enough to get my eyebrows raised.

The rest of Hanna is filled with reserved, ultra cool CIA lingo, and other spirited moments that keep the adrenaline pumping.  Director Joe Wright, leaps and bounds from his reserved, well done Pride and Prejudice in 2005, is clearly having a blast with Hanna, concerned more with entertaining his audience in a smart way, rather than creating a cinematic masterpiece.

Hanna is fun, a lot of fun, actually.  It may not resonate after you exit the theatre, but it’s enough to top off your tank for all things badass. B

Win Win

Mike Flaherty is down and out.  His law practice is barely surviving on a month to month, client to client basis.  He’s got a wife that loves him, two kids that adore him, a newborn that needs feeding, and a gig as head coach for the local high school’s God awful wrestling team.  He’s getting by, but just barely.

Then he finds a loophole: a not entirely moral, but entirely legal, method to secure an extra $1,500 a month.  Think about that: $1,500 ain’t a whole hell of a lot of money, especially for a family of five with a dwindling law practice, but Mike believes it’s enough, and he carries on appropriately.

That is until Kyle, the teenage grandson of one of Mike’s clients, winds up (through a set of amusing circumstances) practically on his front porch.  After much debate, Kyle, with his bleach blonde hair and indifferent demeanor, is taken in by Mike’s family.  What slowly unfolds is, essentially, a surrogate father and son story.  Mike and Kyle seemingly have nothing in common, but their distinct personalities allow them to understand each other.  Well, that and the fact that Kyle turns out to be a wrestling prodigy, pinning the shit out of anything that moves.

As Mike, Paul Giamatti delivers yet another damn near perfect performance.  Giamatti is the rarest of actors, he’s got the look of a supporting player, but the emotional intensity of De Niro in his prime.  There’s a brief scene between Mike and Kyle right before Kyle takes the mat for the biggest match of his life.  The moment could play out like a typical “Go get ‘em, son,” motivational bore.  But watch what Giamatti does with it.  He keeps his voice inflected just below a yell, and every word sounds like it might crack through tears.  It’s a glorious moment, arguably the best in the film, and Giamatti nails it.   

But there are two people in that scene, and damn if Alex Shaffer doesn’t carry his own weight.  Shaffer plays Kyle with such an impeccable sense of teenage detachment that it’s utterly mystifying to watch.  Win Win is Shaffer’s first role... in anything.  More please.

Rounding out the cast is the ever evolving Amy Ryan as Mike’s wife, underrated comic gem Bobby Cannavale as Mike’s best friend, Jeffrey Tambor as the assistant coach, and Melanie Lynskey as Kyle’s fleeting, drug addicted mother.  Ah, Melanie Lynskey, the remarkable character actress whose come on like a scene stealing hurricane, clipping moments from the likes of Matt Damon (in The Informant), George Clooney (in Up in the Air), Edward Norton (in Leaves of Grass), or an entire film completely (as in Away We Go).  Look out for her, she’ll soon become a seriously leading player.

Melanie Lynskey

Win Win is directed by Tom McCarthy, who made the delightful Station Agent, and the remarkable The Visitor.  Although you probably know McCarthy better for his work as an actor (the other son in law in Meet the Parents, the sleazy journalist in The Wire), McCarthy has a real knack for capturing genuine human nature on film. He can nail the funny and the sad, the quirky and the sincere.  And, in the case of Win Win, therein lies the problem.

Win Win is funny, filled with a slew of laugh out loud moments.  It’s also endearing, filled with a slew of moments that are quite heartbreaking.  In its funniest and most heartfelt moments, Win Win shines.  Where it gets (slightly) lost, however, is in its tonal shifts from one to the other.  At times, the pacing is off, the camera work is decidedly detached, and the screenplay is stale.  Fleeting though those moments of curious disorientation may be, it’s still enough to lower the scope of the film.

Lower, not ruin.  See Win Win, you’ll enjoy it.  Just don’t be surprised if there’s nothing to really talk about after.  B

The Lincoln Lawyer

The Lincoln Lawyer starts off fast a furious with a polished pace that we pray won’t let up. It does, of course, but not before we’re all amicably entertained.

The breezy flick starts off as an amusing character study, chronicling the day-to-day dealings of Mick Haller (Matthew McConaughey, having a blast), a streetwise lawyer who has no qualms about working the cracks in the system to get his clients freed.

During the first 20 minutes of the film, we follow Haller around for a day – getting a drug pusher released here, jetting across town to get a motorcycle thug exonerated there, and so on. We meet a slew of characters, and aren’t yet bogged down but that sinking element that tends to ruin most Hollywood films: the plot.

And here’s where The Lincoln Lawyer (sort of) goes amiss. You see, those first 20 minutes are cool and fun because they don’t have anything to do with the rest of the movie. They’re just great introductory moments for what could be a really groovy character. And then, slowly but surely, we realize that everything we’ve seen was in no way character based, but rather given to us simply to serve the eventual muddled plot.

Simply put: everyone you see and everything you hear will come up later, simply to bow tie the conclusion of the film. This does several things. It makes the movie too neat, it takes the mystery out of the story, and it makes you feel like you’re watching a glorified cop procedural on TNT.

Look, The Lincoln Lawyer isn’t that bad of a film, in fact, it’s one of the better ones I’ve seen so far this year. And, for what it’s worth, McConaughey is actually quite good in it. But when his character takes on a rich boy client (Ryan Phillippe) who may or may not have beaten a hooker halfway to hell, it doesn’t take long for predictability to play out.

For a flick that starts off so well, it’s a bit of a bummer to watch it continuously bite off more than it can chew. And given the film’s modest box office take, maybe audiences agree with the notion that they’re ready to be thrown something a little more challenging. You don’t have to spell everything out for us; we ain’t as dumb as you think. B-

(Side note: There is an absolutely hilarious scene in this film where McConaughey interrogates a jailhouse snitch on the stand. The snitch is played by remarkable character actor Shea Whingham, who was brilliantly zany in his brief role in Bad Lieutenant last year, and can currently be seen as Steve Buscemi’s brother on Boardwalk Empire. Whingham is in three scenes in The Lincoln Laywer, and he steals every second of them. He’s worth the price of admission.)

Insidious

So, the lonely housewife spends her days unpacking her family’s belongings in their new home. Her husband goes to work, her young sons go to school, and she stays home and watches the baby. After a few weeks in the new place, she starts hearing creepy noises, then seeing creepy things.

That’s the plot to about a dozen movies I can name off the top of my head, but for our purposes, we’ll tag it as the premise of Insidious, the new horror flick from James Wan, the director of the original Saw.

But Saw (a somewhat brilliant, very original addition to its genre) is about as far as you can get from Insidious. The scares are cheap (quick bursts of stringed music), the plot is incoherent (not at first, but eventually), and the ending is cheap. In short, you know what you’re getting right from the start of Insidious: a familiar plot, a few minor shrills, a lots of eye rolls.

At least Wan put two credible actors in the lead roles (Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne, along with a lovingly campy Barbara Hershey in a minor role) so the experience isn’t completely excruciating. Regardless, Insidious is nothing new; and when it tries to be, it’s far too little too late. D

the Directors: Woody Allen

My New Year’s resolution for 2011 was to read at least one classic work of fiction a month.  Fifteen pages into "Lord of the Flies" and my resolution turned into a big fat fail.  Instead, I decided to pick a director each month and watch his or her entire body of work.  And who better to start with than one of America’s most prolific directors?

Woody Allen has made nearly one movie a year since 1971.  They aren’t all great (some aren’t even good) but they’re the work of one of the most original auteurs to ever focus a lens.

In examining Woody’s entire filmography, I discovered a few hidden gems, rediscovered a slew of classics, and rolled my eyes at some real duds.  For better or worse, here is an examination of the career of everyone’s favorite pontificating filmmaker.

(Note: a majority of the facts in these brief reviews were pulled from Eric Lax’s book, “Conversations with Woody Allen”)

1966 – What’s Up, Tiger Lily?

As Woody informs us during the opening scene, he purchased a James Bondian Japanese flick, deleted the soundtrack and added his own dialogue, turning the film into a comedy.  The resulting film is a sloppy, incoherent, and just plain dumb B-movie mess.  Which, I suspect, is exactly what Woody was going for.  (To be fair, Woody doesn’t consider this his first film, but still, it is in no way worth your time.) D+

1969 – Take the Money and Run

Woody plays a bumbling thief who spends his life in and out of prison for failing to pull off half-assed heists.  Although it’s a step up from What’s Up, Tiger Lily (but what wouldn’t be?), Take the Money and Run, and its deadpan humor, doesn’t live up to Woody’s later work.  It is, however, a spirited hint at what is to soon come. C

1971 – Bananas

Woody is off and running as a fumbling dope who somehow gets engulfed with a fascist Latin American militant group.  The opening and closing scenes, commentated on screen by Howard Cossell, are easily the film’s highlights.  B-

1972 – Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex *But were afraid to ask

Amusing vignettes comically explore taboo sex topics.  It’s hard to choose a favorite: Gene Wilder falling in love with a sheep? A black and white pseudo melodrama about a woman who can only achieve an orgasm in public? Burt Reynolds as the commander inside of a man’s reproductive organ? Oh, and I forgot the giant nipple.  Check it out, you’ll at least like some of the chapters.  B+

1973 – Sleeper

Woody’s first big hit places him as a nerdy store owner who is accidently cryogenically frozen, and woken up several hundred years later to ward off an oppressive government. Sleeper is fun, with some inspired Charlie Chaplinesque gags, but, perhaps most importantly, it marks Woody’s first film with his first muse, Diane Keaton.  B

1975 – Love and Death

This standard Woody Allen deadpan riff casts the director as a bumbling soldier who is convinced by his cousin/love interest (Diane Keaton) to assassinate Napoleon.  Like most of Woody’s films during this period, the humor is either Marxist slapstick or Monty Python satire.  But, despite its closing references to the great Ingmar Bergman (Woody’s favorite director) Love and Death doesn’t really pan out. C-

1977 – Annie Hall

Woody’s most famous film may not be his best, but its damn close.  The multi narrative flick, which chronicles the trials and tribulations of Annie Hall and Alvy Singer, nabbed a slew of Oscars, including Best Picture, over a little film called Star Wars.  Time proves that the latter film may have been slightly more influential to the medium, but that doesn’t make Annie Hall any less delightful.  If, for some odd reason, you haven’t seen Annie Hall, then check it out.  It’s a comedy classic, and one of Woody Allen’s more accessible films.  A

1978 – Interiors

I’ll get this out of the way now: unlike most people, I far enjoy Woody’s dramas to his comedies.  After the success of Annie Hall, Woody went straight melodramatic with this Bergmanesque family drama that details how three grown sisters come to terms with their parent’s divorce.  The look of the film, anchored by Gordon Willis’ astonishing cinematography, is a definite highlight.  Interiors is, arguably, the most bold film of Woody’s career.  Gut wrenching and daring, it is not to be missed. A

1979 – Manhattan

Woody’s first masterpiece is a black and white comedy that begins with a classic opening monologue and never dares to slow its pace. The greatly complicated love story is one of Woody’s most ambitious, thought out ventures. Manhattan is one of the best films of the ‘70s, which, you know, is saying a lot.  A+

1980 – Stardust Memories

This hidden gem has Woody flexing his inner Fellini à la his own version of 8 ½.  A successful comedy director attends a film festival showcasing his work and is overtaken by fans, press, beggars, choosers and so on.  Some found the film too autobiographical and narcissistic upon its release, but I think it’s a fascinating examination into the psyche of an artist’s tortured mind.  As soon as I finished my first viewing, I immediately watched it again. One of Woody’s very best. A+

1982 – A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy

Three couples meet for long weekend at a secluded cabin circa 1900.  Everyone falls for everyone else.  Mildly humorous shenanigans ensue.  Chaos reigns supreme.  Eh.  Light at the end of the tunnel: Mia Farrow.  Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy marked the first film of their often brilliant collaboration.  C

1983 – Zelig

Woody plays Zelig, an impersonator who pops up throughout American history. The film amusingly (and wholly convincingly) mixes actual newsreel footage with fake events.  It’s interesting, but not too memorable.  It should be noted that this is one of Woody’s personal favorite films that he has made.  B

1984 – Broadway Danny Rose

Amusingly layered tale about an ex standup comedian (Woody) who now manages a once-popular comedian vying for a comeback.  Woody suffers from a case of wrong identity when he is mistaken as the lover of the comedian’s mistress (a never better Mia Farrow).  If it sounds complicated, don’t worry, it’s not.  It’s fun and fast, with a subtle resolution.  To reiterate, this film contains, for my money, the best performance is Mia Farrow’s career.  Where’s her Oscar?  A

1985 – The Purple Rose of Cairo

In this clever flick, Mia Farrow sees a fictional film, The Purple Rose of Cairo, so many times that a character from it actually comes out of the screen to be with her.  Despite its satirical content matter, the film is done seriously and with thought.  The result is a well intentioned and well executed gem. The end will surely melt your heart.  A

1986 – Hannah and Her Sisters

Another Woody classic chronicles three sisters as they fall for each other’s lovers and exes.  At times deadly funny, then suddenly deadly serious, Hannah and Her Sisters is compulsively rewatchable and always well regarded.  The entire cast, namely Michael Caine, Max von Sydow and Diane Wiest, are remarkable. A

1987 – Radio Days

Another one of Woody’s personal favorites is this autobiographical film which recounts a lower class family during the Golden Age of radio.  The movie is filled with several inspired scenes, and never fails to hit its mark. It’d be the perfect flick to watch with your grandparents.  B

1987 – September

Six people spend a weekend together in a secluded Vermont home right as summer is ending.  Love falls in, love falls out, all conveyed through emotionally grueling performances.  If you’re going to make a movie as an exercise in acting, then the performances need to soar.  Mia Farrow, as a repressed, aimless woman and Elaine Stritch as her overbearing, offensive mother, are utterly flawless.  And while the rest of the cast isn’t bad, the material they’re given isn’t very compelling. B+

1988 – Another Woman

What a hell of a find Another Woman is, a movie I, quite frankly, had never ever heard of.  Gena Rowlands stars as emotionally repressed writer, who decides to chronicle her suffering marriage and other past relationships in her new book.  Without giving too much away, the film masterfully cross cuts between multiple narratives (we are given moments from her past, from her present, and from her book, which may or may not be fictionalized).  In addition to the impeccable Rowlands, Mia Farrow, Gene Hackman, Ian Holm and virtually every other actor rival the best performances they’ve ever given.  Another Woman is a Woody Allen drama done right, very very right.  I’ve seen the man’s entire body of work, and I can confidently assert that Another Woman is the best film Woody Allen has ever made.  A+

1989 – Crimes and Misdemeanors

Here’s the thing, Crimes and Misdemeanors contains a brilliantly realized drama, in which Martin Landau plots to have his mistress killed after she threatens to expose their affair.  Problem is, the film also contains another subplot, in which Woody plays a documentarian flirting with the idea of an affair.  Woody’s section barely hangs on, seriously detracting us from the superior Landau segment.  Regardless, this is still a great film.  A-

1989 – New York Stories, Oedipus Wrecks segment

You’d think teaming up Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola and Woody Allen for an anthology film about New York-set love stories would be a big hit.  Well, not so much.  Scorsese’s segment, about a suffering painter, is a rapidly paced expose into the underground art world. Coppola’s, about a spoiled rich girl, is a total bore.  Which leaves us Allen’s Oedipus Wrecks, about a straight-laced lawyer’s suffering relationship with his domineering mother.  The short film is fine in the beginning, but once Allen’s mother disappears (and ultimately reappears in an absurd manner) the film becomes an eye-rolling waste.  Oedipus Wrecks: C-

1990 – Alice

Alice has the makings of a perfectly good, domestic dramedy, until unhappily married Mia Farrow takes an herb prescribed by her acupuncturist that turns in temporarily invisible. After that, this deliberately paced tail of marriage gone awry turns into an exhausted farce.  If your film takes place in reality, but is rooted in fantasy (i.e. The Purple Rose of Cairo), then you have to have full confidence in what you’re doing to pull it off.  Save its spirited cast, Alice lacks almost any shred of confidence. C+

1991 – Shadows and Fog

Woody’s comedic answer to Fritz Lang’s M, this moody, black and white film, shot entirely on a giant soundstage, follows a slew of villagers around for a night as they hunt down an ominous strangler.  Of course, Woody manages to fit in bouts of adultery, life-after-death puzzlement, and loads of stammering dialogue.  The constant cameos are fun, but the film as a whole is a misfire.  C

1992 – Husbands and Wives

Essentially, Husbands and Wives is about two couples struggling through their failing marriages. But there’s way more going on here.  Woody has said that he wanted this film, in terms of technique, to be raw and dirty, which ultimately suits it perfectly.  Carlo Di Palma’s shaky, constantly moving camera produces the best work for his impressive career.  The editing is jumpy, the continuity is off, the pacing is up and down; but for some reason, it all works flawlessly.  The opening scene of this film, in which the two couples argue during one long, unbroken shot, may very well be the best scene of Woody’s career.  A truly great film.  A+

1993 – Manhattan Murder Mystery

Moving along in the same herky-jerky vein as Husbands and Wives, Manhattan Murder Mystery teams Woody and Diane Keaton for the first time in years, to great results.  The two play a married couple spying on their older neighbor, who may or may not have killed his wife.  The final product is an often exciting, always hilarious whodunit.  Alan Alda and Anjelica Huston give superb supporting performances.  A-

1994 – Bullets Over Broadway

A great, fumbling John Cusack fills the Woody Allen roll as a playwright who sells out to direct his first production in 1920s New York.  The story follows the comedic vicissitudes of pre-production with whimsical fury.  As with most of Woody’s films, the acting is perfect.  In addition to Cusack, there’s Diane Wiest (who won her second Oscar for a Woody-directed performance) as a famous actress with a Betty Davis-sized ego, Chazz Palmentri as a gangster with a hidden, natural talent, Jennifer Tilly as a no-talent shrill, and Jim Broadbent, Mary Louise-Parker and Tracy Ullman rounding out the supporting roles.  Thoroughly enjoyable. B+

1995 – Mighty Aphrodite

What starts out as a typical marriage-in-crisis dramedy quickly becomes something much more worthwhile.  Which is to say, the film is rather stale, until Mira Sorvino comes on screen.  In an Oscar winning performance, Sorvino nails it as a high pitched, aimless hooker with a heart of gold and a head full of hot air. She makes what could be standard Woody fare completely unmissable.  Her foul, profane character is completely unlike any other Woody incarnation.  The result is a shocking, can’t-catch-your-breath performance, rooted in an overall decent film.  B

1996 – Everyone Says I Love You

With a great, varied cast, Woody’s first and only musical to date is a delightfully fresh take on his recycled family-in-turmoil formula.  Every member of the cast (including newbie Edward Norton) is spot on.  The musical numbers are whimsical and poignant, and the denouement is as delightful as anything Woody has put on film.  Genuinely pleasing. B+

1997 – Deconstructing Harry

Here’s a trippy idea: characters from a writer’s old books come back to teach him life lessons, while at the same time being mixed in with actual events from the writer’s life.  The point, I think, is Woody’s demonstration about how life often imitates art, and vice versa.  Also, Woody has said he made this movie as a way to rebuke critical assertions that the characters he often plays in his films are exactly like him in real life.  Regardless, this is an evolving, witty film that you get more out of which each viewing.  A-

1998 – Celebrity

I’ve read a few reviews since watching this film, and to my surprise, Celebrity was universally panned.  The movie, about an incompetent celebrity writer, has a great cast, is shot in gorgeous black and white by genius Sven Nykvist, and is capped with a real thinker of an ending.  All of the criticism seems to stem from one thing: Kenneth Branagh as the lead.  This shouldn’t be an issue, expect that Branagh’s performance is basically a two hour Woody Allen impression.  The fumbling words, the flimsy mannerisms, it’s Woody personified.  Probably would’ve worked out better if Branagh had just created his own unique character.  Or Woody played the damn thing himself.  Oh well, I still enjoyed it. B+

1999 – Sweet and Lowdown

Sean Penn is perfect as ever playing a cocky musician who can’t get anything right – love, women, finances – except his guitar playing.  Woody manages to, of course, sneak in some great one liners, but I considered this a morality tale, rooted in flaking desperation.  Samantha Morton, as Penn’s mute girlfriend, is perfectly cast against Penn’s loud and animated character.  It’s nearly impossible to picture any other actors in their roles. B+

2000 – Small Time Crooks

Woody, in a clear homage to this Take the Money and Run character, plays a bumbling thief who, with the help of some clumsy accomplices, attempts to break into a bank vault by digging a tunnel underground.  An amusing first act is completely ruined when all the main principals involved become fabulously wealthy from the success of a cookie store front, soon finding themselves unable to adapt to the rich and famous lifestyle.  Tracey Ullman, however, is the only redeeming part of the film. C-

2001 – The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

Woody often cites The Curse of the Jade Scorpion as his worst film.  While it is in no way up to par with some of his other work, it’s not that bad.  The story, which involves Woody as an insurance claims investigator in New York City circa 1940, gets muddled down by a hypnosis subplot, but isn’t a complete waste.  I particularly enjoyed the reoccurring gag in which Helen Hunt and Dan Aykroyd (who are secretly having an affair) mention Paris in public as their way of covertly hinting that they are thinking of one another.  It’s a cute gesture, hidden in a seemingly forgotten film.  D+

2002 – Hollywood Ending

Hollywood Ending was the personal biggest surprise of Woody’s career.  He thought everything worked.  The story - about an aging film director who is hired by his ex wife (now a studio head) to make a new film, only to go blind a few days before shooting - the cast, the look; Woody thought it all fit seamlessly.  Audiences and critics, however, did not.  In an ironic turn of events, Hollywood Ending did horribly in the States, but was revered overseas, which is exactly what happens to the movie within the movie.  It isn’t Woody’s best, but I have nothing intrusively negative to say about it, either.  B

2003 – Anything Else

Now, in terms of Woody’s worst film, Anything Else is right up there.  Jason Biggs stars as a comedy writer suffering through a tiresome relationship with an attractive, malcontent woman (Christina Ricci).  The film, and Biggs’ constant breaking of the fourth wall, is utterly unnecessary and gets old quickly. The fact that Woody casts himself as a paranoid mentor, who virtually serves no purpose to the overall story, makes the experience that much more grueling to sit through.  Save Darid Khondji’s warm cinematography, Anything Else is skippable in every way. D

2004 – Melinda and Melinda

Here’s a flick that has never been given the credit it deserves.  It’s a movie that crosscuts to different versions of the same story: one as told from the dramatic perspective and the other from the comedic perspective.  The great Radha Mitchell deserved an Oscar nomination for her layered work as the floozy, ever-so-complicated Melinda.  An ever-impressive supporting cast makes this film most definitely worthy of your time.  A-

2005 – Match Point

Match Point is Woody Allen’s favorite film that he has made.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, then I don’t know what will.  The dramatic film concerns an ex tennis pro who marries into wealth but is secretly having a steamy affair.  Everything about the movie is utterly masterful: the breezy, smooth editing, the layered acting, the dark cinematography, the twisty plot turns; it’s all the work of a master at the top of his game.  A great film. A+

2006 – Scoop

A decent murder mystery, in which a journalism student suspects a wealthy British man of being a serial killer, is completely botched by incorporating ghosts, Woody Allen’s useless character, and too many flat jokes to ignore.  Maybe Woody was startled by the critical success afforded to him after Match Point?  I’m not sure, but Scoop has would-be greatness, which makes it that much more of a letdown.  After this film’s release, Woody realized that it may be time to retire his onscreen persona.  Probably not a bad idea.  C-

2007 – Cassandra’s Dream

Another great, twisty dramatic mystery in the vein of Match Point pits Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell as brothers desperately in need of cash.  When they ask their wealthy uncle (Tom Wilkinson) for some dough, he counters with another offer: that they murder his business competitor in exchange for much more money than they initially asked for.  No need to divulge further plot details.  Cassandra’s Dream is good, really good.  I wish Woody would go back to making these kinds of films. A-

2008 – Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Woody’s latest venture outside of NYC chronicles one summer as Vicky and Cristina fall for the same guy (at different times) and discover themselves along the way.  The film, which earned Penelope Cruz an Oscar for her fiery performance, is perfectly pleasant.  Take the pointless narration out of it, and you have near greatness.  Otherwise, pleasant will have to do.  B

2009 – Whatever Works

Larry David fits pretty well into the Woody Allen role as a genius scientist who has virtually no faith in the human condition.  He falls for a much younger woman and isn’t at all surprised when she leaves him for a man her age.  Corky, off beat and never shy of breaking the fourth wall, Whatever Works puts Woody back into familiar territory after spending his past few pictures seriously testing himself.  The result is nothing more than standard Woody Allen fare, with a far too bow tied resolution.  C-

2010 – You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

This intertwined story about the pitfalls and pratfalls of a family in London is filled with a series of subplots, none of which every really hit their mark.  Anthony Hopkins marries a much younger woman to disastrous results, Naomi Watts falls for her boss, Josh Brolin falls for an attractive neighbor, and on and on.  Woody has said it himself: that a great cast, a great look and a great design can’t save a film that has a weak story.  Case in point. C

2011 – Midnight in Paris

I’m a little weary about casting Owen Wilson in the lead role, but with a supporting cast by the likes of Rachel McAdams, Marion Cotillard, Michael Sheen, and Adrien Brody, it’s enough to get me there.  Midnight in Paris will be released May 20, check out the trailer here.

In Summation:

Masterful

Manhattan

Stardust Memories

Another Woman

Husbands and Wives

Match Point

Great

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex *But were afraid to ask

Sleeper

Annie Hall

Interiors

Broadway Danny Rose

The Purple Rose of Cairo

Hannah and Her Sisters

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Manhattan Murder Mystery

Deconstructing Harry

Melinda and Melinda

Cassandra’s Dream

Good

Bananas

Zelig

Radio Days

September

Alice

Bullets Over Broadway

Mighty Aphrodite

Everyone Says I Love You

Celebrity

Sweet and Lowdown

Hollywood Ending

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Eh

Take the Money and Run

Love and Death

A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy

Oedipus Wrecks

Shadows and Fog

Small Time Crooks

Scoop

Whatever Works

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

Just Plain Bad

What’s Up, Tiger Lily

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

Anything Else

(As of April 4, 2011, What’s Up, Tiger Lily; A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy; Another Woman; Alice; Shadows and Fog; and Manhattan Murder Mystery are available on Netflix Instant)

Source Code

Well here's a perfectly decent movie; not at all great, not at all too bad, just right for the cinematic mediocrity that is otherwise known as Spring.

In Source Code, Captain Colter Stevens (an amusingly perplexed Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes in a dazy haze on a metro train en route to downtown Chicago. He has no idea where he is or how he got there. The attractive young woman sitting across from him (played effortlessly by Michelle Monaghan) speaks in casual conversation, often referring to him by a name other than his own.

Stevens goes stir crazy for several minutes, taking in the actions of the other passengers and the situation in general before the train goes caboom. He then wakes up in some sort of vessel and is told on the other end of a video feed that he is stuck in the Source Code, a sort of time "readjustment" device that allows a person to travel back, via the final moments of a person's memory, and try to determine the cause of whatever is at stake.

For the film's purposes, Stevens is assigned with trying to figure out who blew up the train. He can be put back into the Source Code world as many times as needed, but only for eight minutes at a time. If he catches the bomber, he could prevent an impending attack on downtown Chi-Town.

Sound confusing? Too much? Well don't worry, because Source Code is filled with those endless exposition scenes in which characters explain every single detail about what is going on, virtually taking the piss out of whatever mystery the film could carry.

Oh well, at least the movie is directed by a true visionary, Duncan Jones, whose one other feature is the criminally underrated Moon from two years ago. Jones (son of David Bowie) has an eye for delivering things we've never seen, or at least, delivering them in a fresh light. In short, it's nice to see a little artistic effort put into a generic sci-fi/action flick.

The cast is good, albeit with weak material. Gyllenhaal has fun hamming up his moments of fleeting charm with Monaghan, and Vera Farmiga and the great Jeffery Wright (as the military personnel on the other side of the Source Code) all dish out performances that they are more than capable of executing.

But good acting and interesting artistic flourishes aside, Source Code is a little too smart for its own good, with an ending that takes on far too many cinematic liberties. It doesn’t leave the audience wanting more (as I assume Jones wanted) it just makes them want out. C-

Limitless

Limitless contains the best, most cinematically confounding shot that I’ve seen so far this year.  It’s so groovy, in fact, that director Neil Burger implores it a handful of times in order to keep the audience intrigued (which is helpful, because there ain’t a whole hell of a lot to keep one interested in a flick like this).

I don’t even know how to explain it.  The cameras appears to zoom down the streets of Manhattan at an exceedingly heightened pace.  It goes faster and faster, coasting down what appear to be dozens and dozens of blocks, without ever cutting away.  It isn’t a time lapse (filming for 10 minutes then speeding the shot up in editing so it only lasts 10 seconds), and it isn’t being done with just one camera, but it is simply incredible to watch.

The shot is, undoubtedly, achieved with the use of special effects, but not to the point of distraction.  The third time the shot occurred, I kept thinking, “Jesus, how are they doing that?” And then it hit me: HOW it is done isn’t important, that fact that it IS done is all that matters.

Moving past that, there isn’t much more to positively draw from this film.  Bradley Cooper stars as a fumbling, worthless writer struggling along in a shitty apartment buried in Chinatown.  Cooper’s Eddie Mora is plagued with crippling writer’s block, a God-awful mop of hair, a depressed attitude and a demeanor that's a slight step up from that of a homeless man.

That is until he runs into his former brother-in-law on the street, a high level dealer who supplies Eddie with a nifty new drug that opens up his brain to full capacity.  Eddie pops the pill and it’s off to the races.  He finishes his book in four days, reworks his look to GQ status, gets laid effortlessly, cracks the stock market, and vacations in tropical locales, all in the course of a week.

Before long,  Eddie is being chased by a slew of bad guys who all want at his drug stash (yawn) while he juggles the biggest Wall Street merger of all time with his new boss, played to campy mediocrity by Robert De Niro (double yawn).

Look, Limitless has its moments.  In addition to the shot I mentioned, Cooper does moderately well flexing his charm through a muddled script, and De Niro proves (if only in one scene) that he may still have a hint of the burrowing intensity that made him who he is.  But the flick is wholly predictable and filled with roll-your-eyes moments of mania (a scene involving a little girl and an ice skate is particularly absurd).  In short, limitless may accurately describe some of the characters’ means of acquiring knowledge, but as far as your attention span goes, the title couldn’t be further from the truth. D+

The Adjustment Bureau

The Adjustment Bureau is what Inception would be in less capable hands than Christopher Nolan, or what The Truman Show could’ve turned into if not directed by a visionary like Peter Weir.

It’s an interesting concept: that there are a group of people designed specifically to carry out the master plan set by God (or whoever), human emotion or desire be damned. Ever wonder why you can’t find your car keys that one morning? Or why you missed that bus by seconds?  Some of it is chance, sure, but most of the time, the film tells us, it’s the work of the Adjustment Bureau.

If this all sounds corny and tired, well, that’s because it is.

With this unique sci-fi scenario, the plot could be structured around basically anything, which is why it’s kind of a letdown that we’re stuck with the aimless familiarity of lovers in distress.

David Norris, a young politician vying to be New York’s next Governor (Matt Damon), meets Elise (Emily Blunt) by chance, but after their flirty, fleeting moment together, they are split apart indefinitely.  Years later, David runs into Elisa (again, by chance) and their romance takes off.  Enter the Adjustment Bureau, a slew of suited dudes in Mad Men fedoras who inform David that if he continues to see Elisa, their relationship will eventually ruin both of their lives.

This being a love story, David fights to stay with Elise.  He screams, he runs, he convinces; all in the name of love.

The Adjustment Bureau is based on a story by Philip K. Dick, the same mind that spawned stories that later became Blade Runner, Total Recall and Minority Report.  Once you step into Dick’s world, you have to accept it, or you’ll never enjoy yourself.  So to say I dug the concept behind The Adjustment Bureau really isn’t saying enough, because as it turns out, this is a unique gimmick stuck in a nearly lifeless film. 

Despite the chemistry of the two leads, the dialogue is stuffy and forced.  More than once I laughed out loud at what I thought was latent sarcasm, but was actually the remnants of a lacking screenplay.

We are, however, privy to a few cool effects: a character opens a door in an alley and steps onto Yankee field, walk through the back door of a restaurant and you’re magically standing next to the Statue of Liberty, and so on.

But two talented leads and a few groovy special effects aren’t enough to make you care. In the end, we’re left with a series of unremarkable, wasted scenes that add up to a movie you may enjoy in the moment, but forget as soon as you leave. D+

Take Me Home Tonight

Friendly note of caution, if a movie is completed then shelved for four years, it’s usually because it:

a.) Sucks

b.) Can’t find a distributor

c.) too controversial, thereby making it unmarketable

d.) Sucks big time

e.) All of the above

Choice ‘e’ was the case with Take Me Home Tonight, Topher Grace’s ‘80s-set “passion project” that he developed with director Michael Dowse for years before finishing production in 2007.  Once the film was completed, it was buried in movie purgatory before recently getting resurrected for a limited release.

The studio is marketing the film as “a John Hughes-type movie with cocaine, lots and lots of cocaine.”  This isn’t true for a number of reasons.  First off, if you’re trying to label your film as controversial for its frank depiction of casual drug use, then you should probably have more, you know, drug use in it.  By my count, two characters each do one line of coke in the entire film, off screen.  So… what’s all the fuss about?

Secondly, Take Me Home Tonight ain’t no John Hughes flick.  If it were, then it’d be funny (nope), charming (not a chance), daring (ha), and memorable (no way).

In short, there’s a reason why Take Me Home Tonight took four years to be released: it’s lame.  Unless he’s being directed by Steven Soderbergh, Topher Grace can’t act for shit. (Okay, to be fair, I really enjoyed the indie flick P.S., but not necessarily Grace’s contribution to it.)

In Take Me Home Tonight, he plays a squeaky-voiced fumbler who, despite having recently graduated from MIT, has no ambition to do anything with his life.  That is, of course, until he runs into his high school crush who invites him to a bitchin’ Labor Day party.  You’ve seen it all before: the geek tries to, and undoubtedly will, get the girl, but not before a few cute shenanigans ensue.

There is one small thing about Take Me Home Tonight that I actually enjoyed (well, other than the rockin’ soundtrack), and that would be Teresa Palmer, who plays the interest of Grace’s affection.  I’ve never seen Palmer in anything before, but I can tell you that she has some serious comedic timing resting gently on top of some dramatic acting chops just waiting to be tested.  I’m looking forward to seeing what she’s got. 

One last thing: Take Me Home Tonight is set during one night in September, 1988, and there are a couple of references to the film Rain Man, which was released in December, 1988.  That whole continuity thing… who needs it? Just sayin’.  D

Oscar Winners Who Went On To Do Nothing

There’s a famous vexation thrown around Hollywood known as the Supporting Actress Curse. There was a time, mostly in the ‘90s, when many Best Supporting Actress winners saw a serious decrease in their career prestige post-Oscar.  A few of them are listed below, along with other underachievers who sold out or went off the map after nabbing Hollywood’s favorite golden boy.

“Nothing” may be moderately inaccurate.  A lot of these Oscar winners did indeed continue to advance their film careers as they sought fit. However, none of them lived up the hype that voting members of the Academy once granted with an Oscar.

Note of distinction: Because the Oscars are for film, I’m concerned only with the movie careers of the people listed below.  Whether they went on to find success as musicians or painters or desperate housewives is not of issue to me.

1987 – Cher, Best Actress for Moonstruck

With the throw of a merciless slap followed by the delivery of one of cinema’s most recognizable lines, Cher graced the Oscar podium to accept the award she so thought she deserved.  Think of Moonstruck what you will, but no one can make a solid argument that Cher deserved this more than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  Oh well.  As predicted, Cher got her Oscar then basically faded away from the silver screen spotlight.

Minor redemption: If you enjoyed Burlesque, then I can do nothing for you.

1991 – Mercedes Ruehl, Best Supporting Actress for The Fisher King

Mercedes Ruehl is great as Jeff Bridges’ faithful yet frustrated love interest in The Fisher King, flexing her sultry, brazen charm all the way to the Oscar stage.  But then what?  The mom in Last Action Hero (which, for the record, is a fantastically absurd guilty pleasure)?  Two episodes as Vince Chase’s mom in Entourage?

Minor redemption: Other than the roles mentioned above?  I got nothing. 

1995 – Christopher McQuarrie, Best Original Screenplay for The Usual Suspects

This is a bit of an admitted stretch as I thoroughly enjoyed The Way of the Gun, which McQuarrie wrote and directed five years after winning an Oscar for penning The Usual Suspects.  The Way of the Gun is twisty and clever, but it ain’t no Usual Suspects, one of the most twisty, clever films… ever.  Since his first and only directional effort, McQuarrie hasn’t done much.  Oh, he did write Valkyrie.  And The Tourist, which contained one of the worst, most obvious “twist” endings of recent memory. Probably not something to brag about.

Minor redemption: As I’ve said, The Way of the Gun is a solid flick.

1996 – Cuba Gooding, Jr., Best Supporting Actor for Jerry Maguire

Before getting crazy lucky by being cast as the egotistical Rod Tidwell, Gooding had a few key roles in Boyz in the Hood, A Few Good Men, Judgment Night, and Outbreak.  Since his Oscar win?  Well, we’ve certainly seen him, but not in anything worth mentioning.  Chill Factor?  Instinct?  Rat Race?  Pearl Harbor? Boat Trip? His post-Oscar resume reads like a flop list from hell.

Minor redemption: His small but volatile role as Nicky Barnes in American Gangster.  He stood toe to toe with Denzel, and nailed it.

1997 – Helen Hunt, Best Actress for As Good as It Gets

Only the second person to win a Golden Globe, Oscar and Emmy in the same year (damn you Liza Minnelli), Hunt was destined for Oscar gold after delivering in emotionally fierce and comically blissful performance opposite ol’ Jack in As Good as It Gets.  And then? What Women Want made shitload of money, but it’s a throwaway role.  Woody Allen has called The Curse of the Jade Scorpion his worst film for a reason, and Pay It Forward is nothing better than a glorified Lifetime movie (which may indeed be an insult to Lifetime movies).

Minor redemption: Her “you-said-you’d-be-right-back” love interest of Tom Hanks in Cast Away.  I’m one of the few people who actually enjoys the final 20 minutes of that film, but the whole movie could’ve been exponentially better if a different actress was cast in Hunt’s role.

1997 – Kim Basinger, Best Supporting Actress for L.A. Confidential

People forget this now, but there was a time when Curtis Hanson’s masterful film rested almost solely on the shoulders of an ‘80s sexpot.  L.A. Confidential was pre-Gladiator Russell Crowe and pre-Memento Guy Pierce.  To be fair, the film was post-The Usual Suspects Kevin Spacey, but it was Basinger’s face who was plastered all over the marketing material for this film.  The effort paid off.  The movie was a hit, thanks in part to Basinger’s restrained, taunt performance. After she won the Oscar, she more or less vanished from Hollywood’s radar.  Hanson was generous enough to cast her as Eminem’s mother in 8 Mile, and The Door in the Floor had its moments, but Basinger’s never lived up to the sultry, wide eyed Lynn Bracken.

Minor redemption: I love 8 Mile, but most people forget she’s even in it.

1998 – Roberto Benigni, Best Actor for Life is Beautiful

What a waste.  He deserved Best Foreign Film, but Best Actor?  Over Tom Hanks’ compassion (Saving Private Ryan), Nick Nolte’s desperation (Affliction) and Edward Norton’s fury (American History X)? I’ve never understood the appeal.  And what since?  Nothing.  Unless you count his “rethinking” of Pinocchio, which I doubt, considering no one saw it.

Minor redeemer: None.

2006 – Jennifer Hudson, Best Supporting Actress for Dreamgirls

She was Hollywood’s Homecoming queen, using American Idol as a “stepping stone” to land the meaty role of Effie in the heavily anticipated film adaptation of the wildly popular Broadway show.  She sang, she screamed, she cried, she won.  And…? Look, I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty blown away by Hudson’s performance the first time I saw Dreamgirls.  But look at her competition: Rinko Kikichi gave the best performance of 2006 in Babel, with her co-star Adriana Barraza right behind her.  Then there’s Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal, who would’ve been a shoo-in had she not won two years earlier for The Aviator.  Hudson’s win is just another example of Oscar voters being temporarily buzzed by the sugar high of a flashy performance.

Minor redeemer: Uhh.  The Sex and the City movie?  Anyone?

Future Predictions

I doubt that Colin Firth, Natalie Portman, Christian Bale and Melissa Leo vanish anytime soon.  But how about Sandra Bullock?  Or, hell, Mo’Nique for that matter?  I haven’t seen much of Forest Whitaker lately, either.  Time will tell. 

Hall Pass

I firmly believe that praise due is praise deserved.  So let’s get this out of the way first.  There’s a scene in Hall Pass that takes place in a hotel bathroom that is, in no uncertain terms, one of the funniest scenes I have ever witnessed in film.  When I saw Hall Pass, there were five other guys in the large theatre with me.  But after that scene, there could’ve been 500.

I rarely laugh out loud in movies.  If something is really funny, I’ll sit there and think, “Yeah… that’s funny,” and I’ll probably laugh about it later.  After the bathroom scene, I was laughing so hard that I was struggling to catch my breath for several minutes. 

That scene is worth the price of admission alone, and I’m honestly considering seeing the movie again with a packed house, just to listen to the reaction.

Now, you may guess where I’m going: that scene is pretty much the only good thing about Hall Pass, the new comedy from gross-out kings Peter and Bobby Farrelly.  The Brothers Farrelly struck gold with their first film, Dumb and Dumber, by and large one of the stupidest, most hilarious movies of recent memory.  They found critical and commercial success with There’s Something About Mary, but what since?  Me, Myself & Irene had a few solid gags.  But Shallow Hal?  Stuck on You?  The Heartbreak Kid?  Lame.

Hall Pass is about two married middle aged dudes (Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis) whose wives, fed up with their husbands' constant horniness, give them a week off from marriage to flex their inner frat boy.  

The resulting message is, of course, didactic and boring: the guys are no longer the studs they were in college; getting laid ain’t too easy when you’ve been out of the game for so long.

The antics the two men get into throughout the week – consuming impossibly potent pot brownies, skimming the talent at Applebee’s, getting wasted and trying lame pickup lines – all fall flat because they’re all old gimmicks. 

In short, Hall Pass is just another run-of-the-mill, I'm-a-bored-married-man farce.  But if you’re in the mood for a good laugh (even if it’s just one) I promise that scene I mentioned earlier will in no way let you down.  The hotel bathroom scene: A+, the rest of the film: D+.

Drive Angry

Well here’s one for the books.

In Drive Angry, a movie that no one in their right, conscious mind would get any semblance of pleasure or enjoyment out of, Nicolas Cage, yet again, shows us how much fun he has at destroying whatever creditability may be left of his career.

As the movie rambles on, the characters talk using indecipherable dialogue wrapped aimlessly around not even the slightest shred of anything coming close to resembling a coherent plot.

From what I remember: Cage roams the Midwest in search of his granddaughter who has been kidnapped by devil worshippers. At some point, the devil’s “Accountant” shows up and tries to stop Cage, who is, I think, from Hell as well.

Oh yeah, and it’s in 3D, which means you can feel like more of an asshole for dishing out the extra dough.

Drive Angry is directed by Patrick Lussier, who made a name for himself as the editor of such modern masterpieces as D3: The Mighty Ducks and My Boss’s Daughter, before moving on to direct newly discovered classics like My Bloody Valentine and White Noise 2: The Light.  (Okay, to be fair, Lussier did edit all of the Scream films, and Red Eye, which I offer as a compliment.)

But after sitting through every painstaking minute of Drive Angry, it’s clear that Lussier hasn’t the faintest idea what the hell he is doing ; and, for once, movie going audiences seem to comprehend that. (Drive Angry only netted $5.1 million its opening weekend, making it nearly impossible to earn back its staggering $50 million budget.)

In a few short years, Nicolas Cage has phoned in more than a dozen roles, each one (somehow) worse than the one before. You have talent, dude, why don’t you challenge yourself?  It’s kind of like what Rashida Jones tells Jesse Eisenberg at the end of The Social Network: you’re not a bad actor, Nic.  You’re just trying so hard to be. F (but seriously, you already knew that).