Monday, February 27, 2012

101 Things the Movies Have Taught Me

1. Have you ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood.

2. ‘Forget about it’ is like if you agree with someone, you know, like, “Raquel Welch is one great piece of ass, forget about it.” But then, if you disagree, like, “A Lincoln is better than a Cadillac? Forget about it!” you know? But then, it's also like if something's the greatest thing in the world, like, “Mingia those peppers, forget about it.” But it's also like saying “Go to hell!” too. Like, you know, like “Hey Paulie, you got a one inch pecker?” and Paulie says "Forget about it!" Sometimes it just means forget about it. 

3. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

4. The .44 may be a little big for practical use, in which case, I’d recommend the .38 Smith and Wesson Special. Fine, solid gun – nickel-plated. Snub-nosed, otherwise the same as the service revolver. Now that’ll stop anything that moves, and it’s handy, flexible.

5. If you build it, he will come.

6. In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

7. There are two ways through life, the way of nature and the way of grace.

8. If you beat him long enough he'll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire, but that don’t necessarily make it fuckin’ so.

9. Coffee's for closers. 

10. Exactly two gallons in here, right? Leaving exactly one gallon of empty space, right? A full five gallons here, right? You pour one gallon out of the five gallon that’s in there and we have exactly four gallons.

11. Plastics.

12. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. 

13. The hotel staff, they're all whores.

14. A wise guy don’t carry his money in a wallet.

15. It wouldn't have explained anything... I don't think any word can explain a man's life.

16. A broken nose don't hurt so much.

17. Fighter's fight.

18. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

19. Here’s the thing, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.

20. There is a time to laugh, and a time to weep. A time to mourn, and there is a time to dance.

21. I'm the boss I'm the boss I'm the boss I'm the boss.

22. Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents told us is good, is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college.

23. Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. You don’t want anyone thinking you’re a homo. Married guy seems stable. People look at a wedding ring and think, “Someone can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the wedding ring and know immediately that you must have some cash and that your cock works.

24. You can either have the money and the hammer, or you can walk out of here. You can't have both.

25. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

26. You don’t make up for your sins in church. You do it in the streets.

27. You never fuck the interns.

28. If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can. 

29. Number one: you can never have sex. Number two: you can never drink, or do drugs. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, “I’ll be right back,” because you won’t be back.

30. Everybody’s a suspect.

31. Everybody needs money. That’s why they call it money.

32. We’re not bad people, we just come from a bad place.

33. It’s confidence, just confidence.

34. Always do the right thing.

35. Nobody ever knows anybody else, ever.

36. Nobody’s perfect.

37. You don’t drive down Broadway to get to Broadway. You zig-zag.

38. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1,000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask, which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. 

39. When you get the money, you get the power, then you get the women.

40. Two people only hurt each other if they doubt the love they have for one another. 

41. A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

42. Erica Albright’s a bitch.

43. Respect… the cock.

44. They got the metric system, they don’t know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.

45. So, ladies and gentlemen, if I say I’m an oil man, you will agree.

46. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.

47. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

48. Every war is different. Every war is the same.

49. Always. Be. Closing.

50. Everything's getting worse. Worse people, worse machines, worse wars... and worse weather. I'm glad I'll soon be dead. 

51. I think the world would be better without Dogville.

52. Happiness is only real when shared.

53. There are seven deadly sins – gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust, and envy. You can expect five more of these.

54. You know why the Yankees always win? Because the other teams can’t stop staring at those damn pinstripes.

55. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn’t, so, it doesn’t.

56. You do not talk about fight club.

57. Son Number 1, this tall drink of cocksucker ain’t dead.

58. Okay so what am I doing? Oh, I’m chasing this guy. No, he’s… chasing me.

59. Tough ain’t enough.

60. Either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t care about what’s going on in the hood.

61. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours.

62. Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.

63. Don't listen to what your schoolteacher's tell you. Don’t pay attention to that. Just see what they look like and that's how you know what life is really going to be like. 

64. What. We’ve. Got. Here. Is a failure, to communicate.

65. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring.

66. I ain’t gonna be what anybody else want me to be. I’m not afraid to be what I want.

67. The dealers are watching the players. The box men are watching the dealers. The floor men are watching the box men. The pit bosses are watching the floor men. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye-in-the-sky is watching us all. 

68. Brooks was here…

69. …so was Red.

70. Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.

71. Just because the fucker’s got a library card doesn’t make him Yoda.

72. “Out of order?!” I’d show you Out of order, but I can’t – I’m too old, I’m too fuckin’ blind.

73. You should go on with this part until it is played out, until it loses interest for you. Then you can leave it, just as you've left your other parts one by one.

74. The one thing I could do, and the only thing… was box.

75. Families are always rising or falling in America.

76. Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a keyser blade.

77. AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes. 

78. Either he’s alive or he’s dead, or the cops got him… or they don’t.

79. A sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ‘cause I’d never eat the filthy motherfucker.

80. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school. 

81. If my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself.

82. Make sure you snort it back quick and hard…really fast, like this…it’s good though,’s the drip, the drip’s the best part…do one more in the other nostril…one more, then the water.

83. Wolfman’s got nards.

84. If it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're gonna turn into a widow, brother, you are going down.

85. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.

86. That’s goddamn right.

87. Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

88. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

89. Twenty-one grams. The weight of a stack of five nickels. The weight of a hummingbird, a chocolate bar.

90. Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that.

91. I think of a man, and I take away reason, and accountability.

92. Baby, you are gonna miss that plane.

93. I've always wished I was gay – it would have been a lot easier. You know, it's just “Bing! Bing! Bing!”  Gay guys, no problem. They go to restrooms and truck stops and perform sex, it's like so easy for them and stuff. 

94. People grow, people move on. You’ve grown, it’s time for you to move on.

95. No one's private life runs smoothly. That only happens in the movies. No traffic jams, no dead periods. Movies go along like trains in the night. And people like you and me are only happy in our work. I'm counting on you. 

96. I’ll go home, and I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all… tomorrow is another day.

97. My conclusion is: hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it.

98. I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success.

99. Please… wake up.

100. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet.

101. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.


1.     Closer
2.     Donnie Brasco
3.     The Godfather Part II
4.     Taxi Driver
5.     Field of Dreams
6.     The Third Man
7.     The Tree of Life
8.     Reservoir Dogs
9.     Glengary Glen Ross
10.  Die Hard with a Vengeance
11.  The Graduate
12.  Fight Club
13.  Closer
14.  Donnie Brasco
15.  Citizen Kane
16.  Million Dollar Baby
17.  Rocky Balboa
18.  Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
19.  Rounders
20.  Footloose
21.  Raging Bull
22.  Annie Hall
23.  The Departed
24.  Casino
25.  The Shining
26.  Mean Streets
27.  The Ides of March
28.  From Dusk Till Dawn
29.  Scream
30.  Scream
31.  Heist
32.  Shame
33.  Confidence
34.  Do the Right Thing
35.  Rules of Attraction
36.  Some Like It Hot
37.  Cop Land
38.  American Psycho
39.  Scarface
40.  Dogville
41.  Annie Hall
42.  The Social Network
43.  Magnolia
44.  Pulp Fiction
45.  There Will Be Blood
46.  The Big Lebowski
47.  Love and Death
48.  Jarhead
49.  Glengary Glen Ross
50.  Fanny and Alexander
51.  Dogville
52.  Into the Wild
53.  Se7en
54.  Catch Me if You Can
55.  In Bruges
56.  Fight Club
57.  Kill Bill: Vol. 1
58.  Memento
59.  Million Dollar Baby
60.  Boyz ‘N the Hood
61.  Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
62.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
63.  Crimes and Misdemeanors
64.  Cool Hand Luke
65.  Cast Away
66.  Ali
67.  Casino
68.  The Shawshank Redemption
69.  The Shawshank Redemption
70.  Heat
71.  Se7en
72.  Scent of a Woman
73.  Persona
74.  The Hurricane
75.  The Departed
76.  Sling Blade
77.  Jackie Brown
78.  Reservoir Dogs
79.  Pulp Fiction
80.  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
81.  The Big Lebowski
82.  Boogie Nights
83.  Monster Squad
84.  Heat
85.  The Shawshank Redemption
86.  The Shawshank Redemption
87.  Back to the Future
88.  The Usual Suspects
89.  21 Grams
90.  Adaptation.
91.  As Good As It Gets
92.  Before Sunset
93.  Grizzly Man
94.  Antwone Fisher
95.  Day For Night
96.  Gone with the Wind
97.  American History X
98.  Jerry Maguire
99.  School Daze
100. The Jazz Singer
101. 2001: A Space Odyssey 


  1. I did one of these lists about ten months back. I absolutely love reading and writing them. I think I'll do another one.

    Fantastic list you've compiled, mate. So many amazing quotes.

  2. I'm not going to answer, because google makes it easy. What I will say, though, is that I see some Mamet quotes in there (including Heist, god bless you!), which has made me very happy.

  3. This list is fantastic. 1 and 19 are two of my absolute favorite movies and I feel like no one ever talks about them.

  4. @Tyler Thanks man. I remember yours from a few months ago. LOVE reading and making lists like these.

  5. @Colin Haha fair enough. Dude, I love Mamet. Love every single one of his written and/or directed films. However, I must admit that I've never seen The Unit. You?

  6. @BK Thanks bro. I absolutely love Closer and Rounders. Two very good, very underrated films.

  7. no, I'm afraid I didn't. It's not often I watch tv, to be fair. is LOVE to read one of your epic pieces on Mamet. Any chance of one?

  8. @Colin Dude I've been planning one for a while now, but I wanted to see The Unit first, which is a huge undertaking.

    But your wish... is my command, good sir.

  9. FANTASTIC post! I'm gonna have to do a list like this soon, love that the first one is from Closer it's such an incredible scene and Owen is just mesmerizing in that film.

  10. @Sati. Ah, I love Owen in that flick, such a force of nature. Great, great scene. GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU WRITAH!

  11. If you need any help with it, matey, I'm your man.

  12. @Colin Just watched Oleanna, it was the only film of his I hadn't seen! Ready set go.

  13. Awesome post, man. Lots of great choices. I am tempted to do one myself, but I get the feeling that I would probably use quite a few that you have already selected, heh.

  14. @Eric Ha, thanks man. Do it! No worries if you duplicate. This was a blast to do, so I'm sure you'd have fun with it as well.

  15. Holy quoteapoolza. some real good ones in there. A few I must admit I did not recognize. Do you have some cliff notes for that list?

  16. Nice list,I wish I could pull out so many cool lines from my brain.

  17. Ha, I'm writing the "answers" as we speak. I'll have them posted soon!

  18. @David Thanks! Give it a shot... it was a blast to write up.

  19. you also learned that 'these are O.R. scrubs'

  20. I really, really like Oleanna. I wish the girl were a better actress (Julia Stiles would have been perfect) but even so.

    I checked today, and I own 24 Mamet movies...

  21. @Evan Ha, I almost included that. Al. Most.

  22. @Colin Nice dude, I'm at 17. We're included ones he's written too, right?

  23. Yes indeed.

    You know what? We ought to maybe live chat a column about him...

  24. "If you build it he will come..."
    *rushes off to watch Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones good-ness.

    I'd like to do a list like this one day. I just need to get away from my 'Everything I know in life I learned from Monty Python' distracts me, but it is always hilarious. How else would I know that the sheep is not a creature of the air?

  25. @Colin Dude that would be awesome, I'll send you some Twitter DMs

  26. @Ruth Haha yes! That's such an awesome movie.

    Also, I'm no real fan of Costner, but I caught the last 30 minutes of Field of Dreams recently... pretty solid stuff. "People will come, Ray."

  27. #35 Nobody ever knows anybody else, ever.

    Learned this through trial and error. But, it is a fact. Very helpful in business and life to never, ever, forget this. People can surprise you in many, many ways.

  28. lol at number 58! Bad times for Guy Pearce! Awesome list!

  29. @Pete Ha, poor guy couldn't catch a break. Now... where was I?

  30. The only thing better than #31 was all the people totally confused by it. Look up some of Roger Ebert's Answer Man columns on this one - hilarious!

    1. People are so absurdly literal sometimes, it's hilarious. Like, dude, it's just a fuckin' movie line, not everything has a grand meaning.